No changes...I hate food...I wish I never had to eat...I wish I was tiny and waif-looking.
Last night, I dreamed I was in the airport in Las Vegas. I was beautiful. Five or six boys were hanging out with me, and they were all flirting like mad. I would walk by a mirror as we all walked around, and I loved the way I looked.
I wish I could wake up in the morning and be skinny.
I wish I would never have fat on my body, because when you have fat hanging off you, everyone can see your insecurity sticking out all over you. Skinny is secure, fat is ugly, disgusting, horrifying.
I don't want to eat at all, because everytime I do, I want to keep eating and eating. It would be easier to completely starve, but I've never been able to. At my lowest weight, I ate one meal a day and didn't think about it the rest of the time.
Today I will see how many hours I can go until I have to eat. I will put it in my goal notebook, and then, every day I will try to increase it by one more hour.
So far, it is 3 1/2 hours. I have to go take my reading materials and get on the treadmill and try to get over that 2 mile hump, which is usually when I get tired and quit.
Ramble, ramble, blah, blah, blah. In my mind, I am pure spirit, floating in the air, needing nothing, self-contained. Now I need to make bring what is in my mind out, so that it manifests in the material world.
Here is to an empty, blissfull day. (I will look for some Thinsspo pics to add soon.)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
BEGINNING WEEK 2
My panic attack yesterday turned out to be for nothing. It was water weight, 'cos I was back down 2 lbs. today. That means Week 1 (of Plan Two) is over, and it's 3 lbs. gone, 25 to go -- by June.
But damn, I am still going to go off those Yogurt Zone bars. For some reason, I cannot stop at 1.
Grocery day coming soon, so have to start making a list. Still have oranges left...sherbet bars (80 cals a bar and helps with sweet cravings).Need to get more 80 calorie yogurt I just found. (store brand -- I've been eating Yoplait at 170 calories. And this cup is never full, so it's probably really only 50 calories.). I have string cheese left. Maybe get eggs..I like to put together 2 or 3 things that are under 100 calories each for a mini-meal and then have a few mini-meals throughout the day. And have to have those Lifesavers. sugarless gun, and lime-flavored no-cal carbonated water, my staples.
Oh, I found these little pudding cups, vanilla-fudge and banana-fudge, for only 60 cals, but they don't taste diet at all. Or I can have 2 or 3 and still keep calories down.
Okay, enough details, blah blah blah. I'm just happy I made it through week one... 3 lbs. down, 25 more to go by June. Add tha 28 to the 22 from last year, and it's 50 lbs. gone in about a year-and-a-half. It's not 111, like my low weight, but it's not bad.
Isn't that pic of Adam on here gorgeous?
Later---
But damn, I am still going to go off those Yogurt Zone bars. For some reason, I cannot stop at 1.
Grocery day coming soon, so have to start making a list. Still have oranges left...sherbet bars (80 cals a bar and helps with sweet cravings).Need to get more 80 calorie yogurt I just found. (store brand -- I've been eating Yoplait at 170 calories. And this cup is never full, so it's probably really only 50 calories.). I have string cheese left. Maybe get eggs..I like to put together 2 or 3 things that are under 100 calories each for a mini-meal and then have a few mini-meals throughout the day. And have to have those Lifesavers. sugarless gun, and lime-flavored no-cal carbonated water, my staples.
Oh, I found these little pudding cups, vanilla-fudge and banana-fudge, for only 60 cals, but they don't taste diet at all. Or I can have 2 or 3 and still keep calories down.
Okay, enough details, blah blah blah. I'm just happy I made it through week one... 3 lbs. down, 25 more to go by June. Add tha 28 to the 22 from last year, and it's 50 lbs. gone in about a year-and-a-half. It's not 111, like my low weight, but it's not bad.
Isn't that pic of Adam on here gorgeous?
Later---
Sunday, March 6, 2011
OH, NOOOOOOO!
DAY 6
OMG, it's piggie time. I ate too much yesterday, yeah -- 1475 calories is way more than I need when I have all this fat to live off -- It alone should keep me alive for years. And then I got on the scale this morning and found out I had GAINED 3.2 LBS since yesterday!
So for five days in a row, I lost, lost, lose -- the least in 1 day was .8 lbs. Then I get careless and practically wipe out a week' work! Yesterday, I had lost 4 lbs. -- Today I gained 3 back!
I'm telling myself it's just water weight, 'cos I know you can't gain 3 libs in a day. But it makes me feel so ashamed and so FAT!
So I wanted to lose 2 lbs today, so tomorrow, after week one, I would have still lost 3 lbs. this week. But today, my appetite has come back full force, and I keep eating and eating. It's those damn Zone bars -- they taste so good that instead of 1 for a meal, I ate 3 at a time! So that's it -- no more Zone bars for me. No more buying anything that tastes good.
Then to top it off, I could only do 1/2 hr.on the treadmill before getting too tired and quitting. What's the matter with me? I am so sabotaging myself!
I have to take some meds for chronic conditions I have, and a couple of them cause me to burn off weight more (No, not diet pille -- thyroid related), so I took a little extra today. Hope that helps. Now I'm chewing sugarles gum so I won't eat anything else today. I'm going to take my xanax (that I take nightly and when I'm anxious -- prescribed, guys!) at 9 tonight and just go to sleep early and hope for the best tomorrow.
I am so mad at myself.
OMG, it's piggie time. I ate too much yesterday, yeah -- 1475 calories is way more than I need when I have all this fat to live off -- It alone should keep me alive for years. And then I got on the scale this morning and found out I had GAINED 3.2 LBS since yesterday!
So for five days in a row, I lost, lost, lose -- the least in 1 day was .8 lbs. Then I get careless and practically wipe out a week' work! Yesterday, I had lost 4 lbs. -- Today I gained 3 back!
I'm telling myself it's just water weight, 'cos I know you can't gain 3 libs in a day. But it makes me feel so ashamed and so FAT!
So I wanted to lose 2 lbs today, so tomorrow, after week one, I would have still lost 3 lbs. this week. But today, my appetite has come back full force, and I keep eating and eating. It's those damn Zone bars -- they taste so good that instead of 1 for a meal, I ate 3 at a time! So that's it -- no more Zone bars for me. No more buying anything that tastes good.
Then to top it off, I could only do 1/2 hr.on the treadmill before getting too tired and quitting. What's the matter with me? I am so sabotaging myself!
I have to take some meds for chronic conditions I have, and a couple of them cause me to burn off weight more (No, not diet pille -- thyroid related), so I took a little extra today. Hope that helps. Now I'm chewing sugarles gum so I won't eat anything else today. I'm going to take my xanax (that I take nightly and when I'm anxious -- prescribed, guys!) at 9 tonight and just go to sleep early and hope for the best tomorrow.
I am so mad at myself.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
DAY 5
Ate a little more yesterday. Was supposed to be below 1,000 calories and went up to 1500. Maybe I shouldn't count my coffee, as I work that off with the treadmill. That would take off about 150, 'cos of all the creamer and sugar....I love my morning coffee and visualizations too much to give it up.
I wake up, do coffee and visualize, do a goal notebook, an hour of thinspiration, and then the treadmill and bath, all before I can eat. It's getting easier as the days go on, as it always does.
Down another .8 today. So now it's 4 lbs. in 4 days. Thanks you, Ana. And thank you, God, for helping me with this. I know everything I do is in your hands, and I want to do it the best I can. It seems a little selfish to pray for a good weight, but God hear everything...and I always be sure to pray for everything and everyone else first. (I am a Christian and a Buddhist -- yes, you can be both.) I especially pray for America every day, 'cos I'm very worried about it.
After I eat, I always suck on a few Lifesavers and chew a few pieces of gum. It doesn't add many calories and keeps me from eating more. Right now, I'm usually having a Zone bar (200 calories) for each meal and then supplement it with 1-2 other things that are low-calorie -- like 2 oranges or yogurt, sherbert bars or string cheese.
Okay...enough. I have to get reading some of the wonderful pages that are out there...If I wake up hungry, they make it go away...and then get on the treadmill (my goal is 2.6 miles today, as I did 2.5 yesterday.)
Everybody stay light, stay strong, stay blissful. And, as per Adam: Don't trip off the glitz that you're gonna display. Later--
I wake up, do coffee and visualize, do a goal notebook, an hour of thinspiration, and then the treadmill and bath, all before I can eat. It's getting easier as the days go on, as it always does.
Down another .8 today. So now it's 4 lbs. in 4 days. Thanks you, Ana. And thank you, God, for helping me with this. I know everything I do is in your hands, and I want to do it the best I can. It seems a little selfish to pray for a good weight, but God hear everything...and I always be sure to pray for everything and everyone else first. (I am a Christian and a Buddhist -- yes, you can be both.) I especially pray for America every day, 'cos I'm very worried about it.
After I eat, I always suck on a few Lifesavers and chew a few pieces of gum. It doesn't add many calories and keeps me from eating more. Right now, I'm usually having a Zone bar (200 calories) for each meal and then supplement it with 1-2 other things that are low-calorie -- like 2 oranges or yogurt, sherbert bars or string cheese.
Okay...enough. I have to get reading some of the wonderful pages that are out there...If I wake up hungry, they make it go away...and then get on the treadmill (my goal is 2.6 miles today, as I did 2.5 yesterday.)
Everybody stay light, stay strong, stay blissful. And, as per Adam: Don't trip off the glitz that you're gonna display. Later--
Friday, March 4, 2011
Hi, Y'all
Welcome, All:
I'm a friend of Ana and a big Adam Lambert fan, so I thought I'd toss a little of each on my page. The quote came from an interview I read, when he just started touring in 2010 and was working on keeping his weight down now that he was gonna be a rock star. I had to look it up, as I'm a Chunky Monkey person, myself, but French Silk turned out to be ice cream.
When I first knew Ana, years ago, I was 111 lbs. It was lovely. Then I gained....and gained....and gained.....and....
2010 was my big Adam Lambert year. I went to two shows and walked around in a daze for several months (I'm over that stage now), and bought a treadmill. Every day I worked out and listened to Adam songs. And I lost 22 lbs.
Now it's 2011, and my crush is over till the next tour, but I liked his quote and have been using it for motivation. "If you wanna be a rock star".....meaning, if you want to be awesome and beautiful and wear flashy clothes and look perfect and be perfect,, and have everybody like you....".You can't eat French Silk." Or any ice cream. Or anything that tastes too good. Or anything you'll regret the next day. Or anything you might still be eating an hour after you start...Or...anything.
So after last year's successful Plan One with the minus 22 lbs, I'm now on to Plan Two, with the goal to lose 28 more for a total of 50 big ones. Then I'll be a "rock star" again, happy about myself, confident, stronger than lots of people, in control, the object of envy, the receiver of compliments....happily ever after.
So...About Plan Two: I played around all January, losing and gaining, and then Ana came to me one night in February and asked what the hell I thought I was doing, eating Reese's cups and stuff. She gave me a good talking-to, and we got reacquainted, tho' it took awhile. Tuesday, March 1, I asked her to quit teasing me on and off like she had been and to just be my bud again. She said we'll see how it goes.
Ana set me on Plan Two, consisting on 1,000 calories and then trying to cut every day, along with 2 miles on the treadmill and trying to add every day, and some yoga and crunches. We've been hanging out together just a few days now...
I'm starting to remember how much fun the good times with her used to be, how I felt as light as air and as lovely as...um...a female Adam Lambert! Since she's been back, we get a little cosier every day. I've gone down 3.2 lbs...(Ana's over my shoulder saying, "Hey, girl, it's only been 3 days! Give me time!") Today was Day 4.
Tonight Ana told me to stop reading other people's blogs and start my own, so here I am. And by the time Adam puts out his next single and CD and tours again, I'll have lost 25 more lbs. .
25 pounds till perfection. Want to work with me? If you do, leave comments, and I'll reply. And I'll post every day I can, to keep myself honest, disciplined, and in control. So..until next time....
"It's me, I'm a freak. Thanks for lovin' me. 'Cos you're doin' it perfectly."
I'm a friend of Ana and a big Adam Lambert fan, so I thought I'd toss a little of each on my page. The quote came from an interview I read, when he just started touring in 2010 and was working on keeping his weight down now that he was gonna be a rock star. I had to look it up, as I'm a Chunky Monkey person, myself, but French Silk turned out to be ice cream.
When I first knew Ana, years ago, I was 111 lbs. It was lovely. Then I gained....and gained....and gained.....and....
2010 was my big Adam Lambert year. I went to two shows and walked around in a daze for several months (I'm over that stage now), and bought a treadmill. Every day I worked out and listened to Adam songs. And I lost 22 lbs.
Now it's 2011, and my crush is over till the next tour, but I liked his quote and have been using it for motivation. "If you wanna be a rock star".....meaning, if you want to be awesome and beautiful and wear flashy clothes and look perfect and be perfect,, and have everybody like you....".You can't eat French Silk." Or any ice cream. Or anything that tastes too good. Or anything you'll regret the next day. Or anything you might still be eating an hour after you start...Or...anything.
So after last year's successful Plan One with the minus 22 lbs, I'm now on to Plan Two, with the goal to lose 28 more for a total of 50 big ones. Then I'll be a "rock star" again, happy about myself, confident, stronger than lots of people, in control, the object of envy, the receiver of compliments....happily ever after.
So...About Plan Two: I played around all January, losing and gaining, and then Ana came to me one night in February and asked what the hell I thought I was doing, eating Reese's cups and stuff. She gave me a good talking-to, and we got reacquainted, tho' it took awhile. Tuesday, March 1, I asked her to quit teasing me on and off like she had been and to just be my bud again. She said we'll see how it goes.
Ana set me on Plan Two, consisting on 1,000 calories and then trying to cut every day, along with 2 miles on the treadmill and trying to add every day, and some yoga and crunches. We've been hanging out together just a few days now...
I'm starting to remember how much fun the good times with her used to be, how I felt as light as air and as lovely as...um...a female Adam Lambert! Since she's been back, we get a little cosier every day. I've gone down 3.2 lbs...(Ana's over my shoulder saying, "Hey, girl, it's only been 3 days! Give me time!") Today was Day 4.
Tonight Ana told me to stop reading other people's blogs and start my own, so here I am. And by the time Adam puts out his next single and CD and tours again, I'll have lost 25 more lbs. .
25 pounds till perfection. Want to work with me? If you do, leave comments, and I'll reply. And I'll post every day I can, to keep myself honest, disciplined, and in control. So..until next time....
"It's me, I'm a freak. Thanks for lovin' me. 'Cos you're doin' it perfectly."
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